Fun

Continuation =) (in this case, we are talking about creatures from the 3rd game, not the 5th; the humor is quite specific and will be better understood by a player of that particular browser game). **Barbarian Philosophy for Dummies, or How to Learn Battle Magic** Dear Berserkers and Bone Crushers! Have you ever been bored when there are no worthy enemies on the horizon, and the last barrel of beer was stolen by those damned TEs? If you are holding this simple guide in your hands, the answer is "yes," because from boredom, you have even learned to read. Don't waste your precious energy playing cards or competing in throwing empty bottles! We will help you acquire what all other races have, but you don't. If you follow our advice, no one will dare say that Barbarians lack brains... uhm... magic. 1. "Goblin Straight to the Eye!" Unfortunately, green-skinned creatures don't have mana. But the strength of the Barbarian lands lies not in mana, but in a numerous horde of diverse warriors. There are two options: either teach the warriors themselves to cast spells, or use them as a "magical" resource. So, goblins and hobgoblins. Do you think it is possible to teach a goblin the high art of magic? One minute to think. The answer is obvious... but don't be discouraged too soon. In ancient times, there was a machine for throwing stones over distances, called a "catapult." It was used to storm castles, which, for some reason, has been forgotten in our time. Weakling mages have long equipped their gremlins with hand cannons (though not very good ones), so why are Barbarians worse? It is not difficult to build a simple catapult – logs, ropes, and a spoon that your cyclops uses to eat. All that remains is to name the resulting mechanism "Magical Goblin Thrower," choose a goblin volunteer (that is, the one who is closest), and throw him into the ranks of the stunned enemy! Perhaps the question will arise: why goblins, and not stones? It's very simple – goblins have harder heads than any cobblestone. And besides, dying from being hit by a green, screaming little creature is such a disgrace... 2. "Wolves are full, enemies are in shock." Logically, only the smartest goblins, who have exchanged spears for sabers and are capable of perceiving new information, become wolf riders... but it is still better to try to teach magic to their wolves. All that is required is a short conversation with any hero so that he shares the secret of super-speed. For any character, including a Barbarian, it is easy to strike an enemy squad, run around the planet in a couple of seconds, and return to their place. The wolves must learn. And if the goblin riders are unhappy with something, show them the catapult and tell them that otherwise, they will be used as volunteers for another spell. 3. "Orcish Charms." As strange as it sounds, orcs are born wizards, only they don't always use their talent for its intended purpose. The strongest gift of the orcs is not the sluggish throwing of rusty axes, but the selection of dirty curses. Zombies of the Necromancers will never be able to achieve such mastery; they lack the imagination. Just order your fighters to swear not at each other, but exclusively at the enemy. Three times louder than usual. The effect will be stunning. If the "Go to hell, you ****" spell only makes the enemies furious and rush at you, then hearing "Make yourself a **** out of *** *** with **** in ****, adding **** ***** of your grandmother **** and *** **** in *** ***** **** *******" will make even succubi blush. If your opponents are unlucky enough to have even a little education, they will roll on the ground, shouting: "This is just physically impossible!! Physically!!" The ears of elves may curl up. The battlefield will become a "field of battle" in the literal sense. After the swearing wave, you can finish off the enemy army with bearded anecdotes and corny jokes. But keep in mind that this is already the ultimate degree of cruelty. 4. "Ogre Magic." Again, let's turn to ancient times. Any brave hero knew of creatures called "ogre mages." It would seem that the secret of ogre magic has long been lost... but this is not the case at all. Don't pay attention to the not-so-smart faces of your giant fighters. Ignore the fact that the ogre's brain was officially recognized as being smaller than a walnut. In fact, ogres are still the greatest of mages, the quintessence of magic. They are so cool that they don't need any spells except one – "Big Club." Don't try to teach them anything else. Feel free to send giants with clubs to crush the ranks of weaklings who have put on silly clothes and are casting some nonsense. There are no known ways to counter ogre magic. Every ogre has a mage inside him, who is eager to break free. Especially if the ogre ate him for lunch. 5. "Basic Camouflage." Rocs are mighty and proud birds, capable of flying even if they are not kicked. The only weak point of the winged warriors is their large size, which makes them an easy target for enemy arrows. It's time to teach your birds camouflage magic. All you need is a captured dark elf scout and an elf archer. If they refuse to train the birds, start slowly tearing off their ears. Eventually, you will get your way. When your rocs are perfectly trained in camouflage, boldly send them to any terrain. Don't miss the faces of your enemies when a suROK suddenly pops up from the ground in front of them. In the river, a kROcodile will be waiting for them; even the local PROphet will have a beak sticking out from under his hood. Make your enemies afraid of even suffixes, roots, and endings! The true ROC is a weapon of the Barbarians. 6. "Special, Cyclops Magic." Cyclops can learn powerful and diverse spells. The simplest is throwing a goblin, only the cyclops acts as the catapult. A little more complicated is the "magical fist." Yes, you are not mistaken, it is exactly that. Only it doesn't look like the mages' flabby fists. The mighty and wise cyclops runs across the battlefield, shouting at the top of his lungs: "MAGICAL FISTTTTTT!!", hits the enemy, and runs back. No mana is required. And no immunities will save you. But the most terrible thing that cyclops are capable of is a strange ancient witchcraft. A cyclops only needs to bulge his eye and nod at the enemy warriors with the words: "Aha, these guys," and the enemies will immediately turn and flee, shouting "damn, people!" "no no no no!!" and "leave us alone, demon!!" Although, it seems, what does it have to do with demons?.. (c) Garret_Thief