Loken
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A guide for scoundrels and villains serving the World Evil who are tired of being killed in every book.
1. First and foremost, find a good mage specializing in cosmetic surgery and dermatological problems. You may be used to your green face with same-colored slime dripping down it, but you won't make a career in fantasy that way. You will be killed (somewhere between the third and final chapter). The same applies to those villains who are attractive due to a twisted demonic beauty. A good guy should have a simple, pleasant face without excessive refinements. Horns, hooves, and wings must be amputated as a matter of course (even if you are not a demon, but a satyr).
2. Change your cool black leather outfit for something less eye-catching. Remember that good guys are indifferent to the latest fashion and are not characterized by sophisticated style or great financial means. Dress in something neutral—simple cotton pants and a shirt, no jewelry, with a few exceptions (see point below). Pastel tones or grassy green and brown are recommended. Pink would be overkill. You should also get rid of the Count Dracula-style cloak. Oh, and this applies to your leather underwear too—God forbid someone tears your outer clothing in a fight!
3. A touching addition to your costume would be a ring or other accessory inherited from your long-deceased elderly father/mother/other dearly loved relative who died of old age/an incurable disease/a villain's knife. It is advisable to write and memorize the story of the final minutes of the relative's life, and tell it to everyone who doubts your kindness and truthfulness. Carrying dried body parts of a relative or sewing gloves and belts from their skin is not recommended.
4. Work on yourself. Facial expression, posture, voice—everything must match the image. Look at yourself in the mirror—if epithets like "proud, with an honest open gaze, kind" apply to you, it will significantly increase your chances of success. Sinister giggling and demonic laughter are excluded. If it is absolutely unbearable for you, every morning before getting out of bed, have five-minute relaxing sessions of sinister laughter, burying your face in a pillow and covering yourself with a blanket so that no one sees or hears anything.
5. Use as many "magic" words and diminutive suffixes as possible. Do not say "Old hag, shut your mouth," but rather "dear grandmother, your memories of youth are incredibly interesting and instructive, but please be quiet for a moment."
6. Learn to love children. Smile joyfully at the sight of a child, pick them up, and coo sloppily. If this is beyond you, at least do not kick them in front of people.
7. Participation in orgies and human sacrifices is excluded.
8. And worshiping visually unattractive gods who prefer S&M clothing styles is also excluded. Worshiping attractive gods known for their love of orgies and sacrifices, as well as hatred of children, is also not recommended.
9. Always come to the aid of victims, whether they want it or not. Do not stand there with your mouth open watching 10 tough guys beat up a girl, and even more so, do not run away or try to join them. Without hesitation, throw yourself into saving her, even if the situation seems hopeless. According to the laws of the genre, nothing bad will happen to you. Even if you lose this time and are brutally beaten, the girl will remember and love you, and give herself to you in the second part of the book.
10. By the way, losing at the beginning of the story most likely means it is time for you to find a wise (but slightly otherworldly) and kind (but strict) teacher. If he doesn't offer to heal your wounds himself, carefully look around at the people gathered after the fight. The teacher will be either an old mage in a pointed hat or a warrior retired from the slaughter. Exercise caution with warriors; under no circumstances join freedom fighters younger than forty (see next point).
11. So, do not take as companions people who are noticeably better at fighting/knowing magic than you. Before you can blink, you will turn from the main hero into a comic sidekick. Weeks, or even years of humiliation are guaranteed for you, coupled with mental degradation, absent-mindedness, and clumsiness. Moreover, toward the end of the book, you might actually be killed so that the main hero can show his delicate inner world by sobbing over your little grave.
12. Better yet, take as a companion a slightly foolish but kind and honest guy yourself. Having found a suitable candidate, casually show him your deceased mother's ring and tell a touching story about the last days of her life. It is desirable to somehow link her passing to the appearance of unreliable elements in the country—supporters of the World Evil—even if she actually died of old age in her bed. You can always say that because of the encroaching Evil, the lifespan of elderly ladies has been significantly reduced. A touched guy will surely join you.
13. Never forget and shout on every corner that you are against the World Evil and will kill every supporter of the Dark ones for the sake of peace and justice (even if the phrase "kill for peace" seems as meaningful to you as "sleep with everyone in the name of virginity"). The main thing is not to think about why or how; just remember that it's necessary.
14. Be humble. After capturing an enemy camp single-handedly, do not brag on every corner. There is no need for this; your companion will tell everyone himself (this is where he truly comes in handy). In response to praises and enthusiastic shouts, modestly lower your eyes and mutter "Fighting evil is everyone's duty." Or "I did what I had to do."
15. If your companion is killed, do not laugh joyfully and tell everyone that you are insanely glad to be rid of the annoying idiot. Bury his mutilated corpse and weep over the grave.
16. Having penetrated the enemy's inner sanctum (most likely a gloomy gothic fortress), do not wander around looking at paintings and expensive decorations, but immediately run to find the main enemy. Also, do not ask to join guards playing dice or cards. Remember, you are here to kill all supporters of the World Evil.
17. Upon finding the main villain, do not kill him in five seconds, even if it is within your power. Let him speak; be merciful. Main Villains have so few joys in life—let him talk about his plans one last time and laugh demonically.
18. It is not worth laughing along with him or suggesting how to improve the plan for world domination.
19. If the villain happens to be particularly tough and silent, and you feel that you are losing, ask leading questions; he won't be able to resist sharing his plans with you. His story will give you time to gather your strength and think of something.
20. After killing the main one, do not mock the corpse.
21. Search the castle and free all chained semi-naked girls.
22. Do not rape them before this; they will gladly give themselves to you later.
23. Dirty cripples and epileptics from the dungeons should also be freed; this will increase your popularity.
24. And those shouldn't be raped either.
25. Having freed everyone possible, immediately flee the castle—within the next five minutes it will begin to collapse spontaneously.
26. When the enemy is defeated, do not relax. If the father of one of the saved girls turns out to be a king, he will most likely offer you to rule in his place. You may also be appointed lord by the grateful inhabitants of the liberated country. Do not agree and do not get drunk at feasts in your honor. Rehearse in front of a mirror beforehand. Stand in a noble pose and say quietly but clearly: "I am not worthy of such an honor. Moreover, there is still too much evil in the world to rest on one's laurels. I will continue to wander the world and fight injustice wherever I notice it. The lives of simple people are dearer to me than all the wealth and power in the world."
27. When saying the phrase "The lives of simple people are dearer to me than all the wealth and power in the world," try not to grimace.
28. If you haven't grown tired of pleasures with the saved girl, you may allow her to come with you. Here, the main emphasis should be on love (not sex!), which sweeps away all barriers and class differences. If you can't stand the sight of her anymore, say that you cannot put her life in danger. Try to create the appearance that she is dear to you, but for her own good, you must leave her.
29. If you have become tiresome to the girl, do not degrade yourself and crawl on your knees before her, begging her to come with you. Remember your dignity!
30. And finally, you may be tempted to stay and rule the offered country, turning it into an Empire of Evil. You might get the impression that now no one will stop you. This is an illusion. Not a couple of years will pass before a noble hero appears who will kill you for the Common Good.
1. First and foremost, find a good mage specializing in cosmetic surgery and dermatological problems. You may be used to your green face with same-colored slime dripping down it, but you won't make a career in fantasy that way. You will be killed (somewhere between the third and final chapter). The same applies to those villains who are attractive due to a twisted demonic beauty. A good guy should have a simple, pleasant face without excessive refinements. Horns, hooves, and wings must be amputated as a matter of course (even if you are not a demon, but a satyr).
2. Change your cool black leather outfit for something less eye-catching. Remember that good guys are indifferent to the latest fashion and are not characterized by sophisticated style or great financial means. Dress in something neutral—simple cotton pants and a shirt, no jewelry, with a few exceptions (see point below). Pastel tones or grassy green and brown are recommended. Pink would be overkill. You should also get rid of the Count Dracula-style cloak. Oh, and this applies to your leather underwear too—God forbid someone tears your outer clothing in a fight!
3. A touching addition to your costume would be a ring or other accessory inherited from your long-deceased elderly father/mother/other dearly loved relative who died of old age/an incurable disease/a villain's knife. It is advisable to write and memorize the story of the final minutes of the relative's life, and tell it to everyone who doubts your kindness and truthfulness. Carrying dried body parts of a relative or sewing gloves and belts from their skin is not recommended.
4. Work on yourself. Facial expression, posture, voice—everything must match the image. Look at yourself in the mirror—if epithets like "proud, with an honest open gaze, kind" apply to you, it will significantly increase your chances of success. Sinister giggling and demonic laughter are excluded. If it is absolutely unbearable for you, every morning before getting out of bed, have five-minute relaxing sessions of sinister laughter, burying your face in a pillow and covering yourself with a blanket so that no one sees or hears anything.
5. Use as many "magic" words and diminutive suffixes as possible. Do not say "Old hag, shut your mouth," but rather "dear grandmother, your memories of youth are incredibly interesting and instructive, but please be quiet for a moment."
6. Learn to love children. Smile joyfully at the sight of a child, pick them up, and coo sloppily. If this is beyond you, at least do not kick them in front of people.
7. Participation in orgies and human sacrifices is excluded.
8. And worshiping visually unattractive gods who prefer S&M clothing styles is also excluded. Worshiping attractive gods known for their love of orgies and sacrifices, as well as hatred of children, is also not recommended.
9. Always come to the aid of victims, whether they want it or not. Do not stand there with your mouth open watching 10 tough guys beat up a girl, and even more so, do not run away or try to join them. Without hesitation, throw yourself into saving her, even if the situation seems hopeless. According to the laws of the genre, nothing bad will happen to you. Even if you lose this time and are brutally beaten, the girl will remember and love you, and give herself to you in the second part of the book.
10. By the way, losing at the beginning of the story most likely means it is time for you to find a wise (but slightly otherworldly) and kind (but strict) teacher. If he doesn't offer to heal your wounds himself, carefully look around at the people gathered after the fight. The teacher will be either an old mage in a pointed hat or a warrior retired from the slaughter. Exercise caution with warriors; under no circumstances join freedom fighters younger than forty (see next point).
11. So, do not take as companions people who are noticeably better at fighting/knowing magic than you. Before you can blink, you will turn from the main hero into a comic sidekick. Weeks, or even years of humiliation are guaranteed for you, coupled with mental degradation, absent-mindedness, and clumsiness. Moreover, toward the end of the book, you might actually be killed so that the main hero can show his delicate inner world by sobbing over your little grave.
12. Better yet, take as a companion a slightly foolish but kind and honest guy yourself. Having found a suitable candidate, casually show him your deceased mother's ring and tell a touching story about the last days of her life. It is desirable to somehow link her passing to the appearance of unreliable elements in the country—supporters of the World Evil—even if she actually died of old age in her bed. You can always say that because of the encroaching Evil, the lifespan of elderly ladies has been significantly reduced. A touched guy will surely join you.
13. Never forget and shout on every corner that you are against the World Evil and will kill every supporter of the Dark ones for the sake of peace and justice (even if the phrase "kill for peace" seems as meaningful to you as "sleep with everyone in the name of virginity"). The main thing is not to think about why or how; just remember that it's necessary.
14. Be humble. After capturing an enemy camp single-handedly, do not brag on every corner. There is no need for this; your companion will tell everyone himself (this is where he truly comes in handy). In response to praises and enthusiastic shouts, modestly lower your eyes and mutter "Fighting evil is everyone's duty." Or "I did what I had to do."
15. If your companion is killed, do not laugh joyfully and tell everyone that you are insanely glad to be rid of the annoying idiot. Bury his mutilated corpse and weep over the grave.
16. Having penetrated the enemy's inner sanctum (most likely a gloomy gothic fortress), do not wander around looking at paintings and expensive decorations, but immediately run to find the main enemy. Also, do not ask to join guards playing dice or cards. Remember, you are here to kill all supporters of the World Evil.
17. Upon finding the main villain, do not kill him in five seconds, even if it is within your power. Let him speak; be merciful. Main Villains have so few joys in life—let him talk about his plans one last time and laugh demonically.
18. It is not worth laughing along with him or suggesting how to improve the plan for world domination.
19. If the villain happens to be particularly tough and silent, and you feel that you are losing, ask leading questions; he won't be able to resist sharing his plans with you. His story will give you time to gather your strength and think of something.
20. After killing the main one, do not mock the corpse.
21. Search the castle and free all chained semi-naked girls.
22. Do not rape them before this; they will gladly give themselves to you later.
23. Dirty cripples and epileptics from the dungeons should also be freed; this will increase your popularity.
24. And those shouldn't be raped either.
25. Having freed everyone possible, immediately flee the castle—within the next five minutes it will begin to collapse spontaneously.
26. When the enemy is defeated, do not relax. If the father of one of the saved girls turns out to be a king, he will most likely offer you to rule in his place. You may also be appointed lord by the grateful inhabitants of the liberated country. Do not agree and do not get drunk at feasts in your honor. Rehearse in front of a mirror beforehand. Stand in a noble pose and say quietly but clearly: "I am not worthy of such an honor. Moreover, there is still too much evil in the world to rest on one's laurels. I will continue to wander the world and fight injustice wherever I notice it. The lives of simple people are dearer to me than all the wealth and power in the world."
27. When saying the phrase "The lives of simple people are dearer to me than all the wealth and power in the world," try not to grimace.
28. If you haven't grown tired of pleasures with the saved girl, you may allow her to come with you. Here, the main emphasis should be on love (not sex!), which sweeps away all barriers and class differences. If you can't stand the sight of her anymore, say that you cannot put her life in danger. Try to create the appearance that she is dear to you, but for her own good, you must leave her.
29. If you have become tiresome to the girl, do not degrade yourself and crawl on your knees before her, begging her to come with you. Remember your dignity!
30. And finally, you may be tempted to stay and rule the offered country, turning it into an Empire of Evil. You might get the impression that now no one will stop you. This is an illusion. Not a couple of years will pass before a noble hero appears who will kill you for the Common Good.
Первый, кто был забанен за Правду.