A tale about you.

Once upon a time, in the distant land of Yopty-Mopty. His last name was Yedron-Baton. He lived in the very depths of this damned world, and he was born into this unholy light XZ years ago. Yopty-Mopty had a loyal friend named Myshka. And one day, our hero set off on a long journey far away from here. His path was long and arduous. And there lived a terrible, cruel, and insidious Homosek. Yopty-Mopty walked for whole Do kuishcha! days. The sun was scorching, and he was very tired. Suddenly, he saw an old man standing in the distance... It was an old friend. And he gave him a Huge thing! It's called a mace... :) to the fearless hero. Another long Ta v dushe ni ipu! days passed before Yopty-Mopty reached a place far away from here. And there, he was attacked by T'mushcha uiopkov - a vile servant of Homosek. But the mighty Yopty-Mopty scattered them all with his Huge thing! It's called a mace... :), broke into the villain's lair, and cut off his BALLS!!. The villain screamed, howled, and died. And everyone lived happily ever after, and everything was good for everyone, including Yopty-Mopty, until the very end.

If only everything could be put in the right form...