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10 Facts About Chuck Norris
1. Chuck Norris's tears cure cancer. But he is too cool to ever cry. Ever.
2. Chuck Norris never sleeps. He waits.
3. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming that "Law" and "Order" are registered trademarks of his left and right feet.
4. Chuck Norris's primary export is pain.
5. If you see Chuck Norris, he sees you. If you don't see Chuck Norris, you might only have a few seconds to live.
6. Chuck Norris counted to infinity. Twice.
7. Chuck Norris doesn't go hunting, because the word "hunt" implies the possibility of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
8. Chuck Norris doesn't wash his clothes; he guts them.
9. Chuck Norris is 1/8 Cherokee. It has nothing to do with ancestry; he ate a damn Indian.
10. On the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records, it is stated in fine print that all world records belong to Chuck Norris, and the book simply lists the people who managed to get closest to them.
Other Facts About Chuck Norris
* Chuck Norris sheds his skin twice a year.
* A roundhouse kick from Chuck Norris is the preferred method of execution in 16 states.
* Scientists have determined that the energy released during the Big Bang is approximately equal to 1 CNRK (Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick)
* The energy of a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick is enough to power a hundred Earth-like planets for 999 999 999 999 000 millennia.
* Chuck Norris can talk about Fight Club.
* When the first episode of "Walker, Texas Ranger" aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck immediately—just in case.
* When Chuck Norris urinates, the stream can easily smelt titanium.
* In reality, Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two tons, breathes fire, can eat a hammer, and withstands a shotgun blast at point-blank range.
* The shortest path to a man's heart is Chuck Norris's fist.
* A "handicapped parking" sign doesn't mean that it's a place where handicapped people can park. In fact, it indicates that the parking space belongs to Chuck Norris and warns what will happen to anyone who thinks of parking there.
* The plot of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie is based on true events. One day Chuck Norris swallowed a turtle, and when he pooped it out, it was six feet tall and knew karate.
* When Chuck Norris calls 1-900, he doesn't pay. He just holds the receiver, and the money falls out of the phone on its own.
* If Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it doesn't mean he's gay. It just means they temporarily ran out of women.
* In reality, Chuck Norris died 10 years ago. Death[1] is simply too afraid to tell him.
* Chuck Norris invented the rifle, liquor, sexual intercourse, and football—in that exact order.
* Chuck Norris never reads books. He stares at them point-blank until he gets all the information he needs.
* Once, Chuck Norris ate a cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper inside.
* Chuck Norris isn't as strong as a bull; the bull is as strong as Chuck Norris.
* Once someone told Chuck Norris that a roundhouse kick wasn't the best way to kick. Historians claim this was the most terrible mistake in human history.
* The military unit "Chuck Norris" is not present in the game "Civilization 4" because one "Chuck Norris" unit would destroy all nations together in a single turn.
* Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter. He kicks a cow, and the butter falls out of the cow.
* Chuck Norris once shot down a fascist fighter by pointing his finger at it and shouting "BOOM!"
* When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he doesn't recognize syringes; instead, he asks for a gun and a bucket.
* Once, Chuck Norris faced Lance Armstrong in a competition of "Who has bigger balls?". Chuck Norris won by a margin of 5.
* Chuck Norris formulated a new theory of relativity, according to which there are many universes where Chuck Norris is an even bigger badass than in ours. When this same theory was publicly debunked by Albert Einstein, Chuck Norris hit him with a roundhouse kick, and now we know Einstein as Stephen Hawking.
* Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck decorated with human skulls.
* Chuck Norris is the only human being who embodies Heisenberg's uncertainty principle—you never know exactly where and when he will kick your ass.
* Chuck Norris bet NASA that he could survive in a vacuum without a spacesuit. On July 19, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris went into open space, flew over 14 states, heating up to a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publicly announced it was a meteor and still owes Chuck Norris a beer.
* No bombs were ever dropped on Nagasaki. It was just Chuck Norris jumping out of a plane and stomping.
* Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil in exchange for always looking great and possessing unrivaled martial arts abilities. When the trade was complete, Norris hit the devil with a roundhouse kick and took his soul back. The devil, who always appreciated a good joke, wasn't angry and admitted he should have foreseen such a turn of events. Now they play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
* Once Chuck Norris hit someone so hard with a roundhouse kick that his leg exceeded the speed of light, traveled into the past, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
* Chuck Norris is the only person who beat a wall at tennis.
* Once, Chuck Norris ate three two-kilogram steaks in one hour. And for the first 45 minutes, he was screwing the waitress.
* The Great Wall of China was built to protect against Chuck Norris, but the venture failed miserably.
* Chuck Norris invented a time machine and went back to the past to prevent the assassination of John F. Kennedy. When Oswald fired, Chuck caught all three bullets with his beard and reflected them. Kennedy's head exploded solely from amazement.
* Many men have one ball larger than the other. For Chuck Norris, EVERY ball is larger than the other.
* When Chuck Norris falls into water, he doesn't get wet—the water becomes chucknorris-ified.
* Chuck Norris's house has no doors—only walls, which he walks through.
* There are no races—there are just people whom Norris has beaten to varying degrees of blue and black.
* Chuck Norris uses a nightlight not because he is afraid of the dark, but because the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.
* When God said, "Let there be light!", Chuck replied, "Say 'please'."
* Chuck Norris never shaves—he just roundhouse kicks himself in the face. The only thing capable of cutting Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.
* Wilt Chamberlain claims to have slept with more than 20,000 women in his life. For Chuck Norris, that's just a "boring Tuesday."
* Weapons of mass destruction do not exist. There is only Chuck Norris.
* There is no theory of evolution—just a list of creatures that Chuck Norris spared.
* Chuck Norris is the Emperor in disguise. The Emperor is Chuck Norris in disguise.
* Chuck Norris played through Fallout 1 and 2 in real life.
* Chuck Norris was the fourth Wise Man, and he gave baby Jesus the beard that He wore until His death. The other three sages, offended that Jesus preferred Chuck's gift, conspired to erase Chuck's name from the Bible everywhere. All three soon died of mysterious injuries related to a roundhouse kick.
* Chuck Norris doesn't go on the Internet. He stores all websites in his memory, refreshing pages by blinking.
* Chuck Norris grinds coffee beans with his teeth and boils water with his own rage.
* Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
* Chuck Norris is so fast that he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.
* There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, and he increased the temperature of the sun.
* Chuck Norris doesn't write books. The words arrange themselves out of fear of him.
* Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
* Newton's Third Law is incorrect. Although it states that every action has an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal to a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.
* Chuck Norris invented the color black. In fact, he invented the entire visible spectrum of colors except pink and light blue. Pink was invented by Tom Cruise. Light blue was invented by the director of "Brokeback Mountain".
* People invented cars to escape from Chuck Norris. To avoid being surpassed in something, Chuck Norris invented car accidents.
* Godzilla is a Japanese legend about Chuck Norris's first visit to Tokyo.
* The only thing that Chuck Norris cannot break through with a roundhouse kick is Anatoly Wasserman's vest.
* Chuck Norris is so cool that sheep count him when he goes to sleep.
* Chuck Norris's beard is so sharp that he uses it to shred paper, which is why no one ever hits him in the head.
* Chuck Norris is the only one who can bite his own forehead.
* Condoms do not protect Chuck Norris from AIDS! They protect AIDS from Chuck.
* Originally, Chuck Norris was supposed to be in the "Street Fighter" video game; however, the creators were against it because whenever any button was pressed, Chuck's character performed a roundhouse kick.
* Chuck is so cool that he eats flour and poops pies, sometimes meat ones.
* Chuck Norris makes any dish disposable.
* Chuck has no birthday; he has always existed, and he is the one responsible for the extinction of the dinosaurs.
* Chuck Norris doesn't use spellcheck in Word. If his spelling doesn't match the dictionary, they edit the dictionary in Oxford.
* Chuck Norris always puts a condom on inside out. So that HE gets the pleasure.
* Chuck Norris's mother tried to have an abortion. Eight times.
* Once Chuck Norris thought: Why not sell my urine as a drink? Now this drink is known as Red Bull.
* Chuck Norris looked evil straight in the eyes. He looked in the mirror.
* Chuck Norris can watch "60 Minutes" in 20 minutes.
* Chuck destroyed the Periodic Table because he only recognizes the element of surprise.
* In the calendar, April 2nd follows March 31st. No one fools Chuck.
* Chuck Norris's summer house is on the Sun.
* Chuck Norris built Everest using a bucket and a spade.
* If you dream that Chuck Norris hit you with a roundhouse kick, you will die!
* Chuck Norris can drink a gallon of milk without throwing up.
* Some people can kill two birds with one stone. Chuck Norris once killed four birds with half a stone. You say there can't be half a stone? Those four birds thought so too...
* The letter "P" stands for "Chuck Norris." As do all other letters of the alphabet.
* Chuck Norris's paradise is war.
* Chuck Norris is responsible for the process of photosynthesis.
* Chuck Norris doesn't breathe. He holds the air hostage.
* Chuck Norris can light a match on a piece of soap.
* Chuck Norris had his tonsils removed without a saw. Chuck Norris removed his own tonsils. With a roundhouse kick, naturally.
* Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.