Ple-Sen
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Beata stopped sobbing and burst out laughing bitterly.Alaria remained silent, watching the scene unfold. On the one hand, she could understand the emotions that overwhelmed Beata. She had put her whole heart into the upcoming performance, running around the city, planning and rehearsing everything like a true leader. She found talented people who shared her enthusiasm. And now, all of that not only fell apart, but was perverted by one single scumbag. The malice and bitterness of his own existence had tainted the entire initiative. It was as if he had deliberately wanted to capture in his mind the fruits of the recent rehearsal – to take the lives of all the other participants and spectators, so that he would be the only witness to the failed circus performance.
“Well, at least tomorrow, after the coronation, I can go back to sleep instead of worrying about the performance.”
“Beata, you…”
“Forget it, Guiyosh. It doesn’t make sense. I was an idiot when I decided to do this. As if anything could have worked out for me, right?”
“But you almost…”
“Almost doesn’t count. I messed up. People died because of me. Good people. Because I’m a terrible organizer who didn’t care about safety.”
“You’re blaming…”
“Enough!” she snapped and jumped off the couch. “I’m the organizer, I hired that bastard, it’s my responsibility! You can say whatever you want, but it’s all my fault, and only my fault. I tried, damn it, to do something good for once!”
“Your fault, huh? Did you check him out? Did you know for sure he was a murderer? Did you point your finger at everyone present and tell him, ‘Kill that one, kill that one’?”
“What difference does it make! Will the victims feel better knowing that it happened because of my negligence, rather than a direct order? Safety, damn it, 2.71… I was so busy, I missed the maniac right under my nose. 2.71, Beata, good job, you really made the citizens happy.”
“Yeah, maybe you personally dragged him from the godforsaken Carnia in your pocket, smuggling him in, and all this time you were hitting him on the head so he’d go crazy and become a maniac.”
“Guiyosh, I don’t understand what you’re trying to say. I’m the organizer, I’m in charge, everything that happened was due to my oversight and my fault, I have to take responsibility. I’m ready to face the court, pay all the fines and moral compensation to the families of the victims.”
“Damn, Klin, hit her, please, you have a weaker punch.”
“It’s very kind of you, and of all of you, to try to convince me that I’m not to blame, but that doesn’t correspond to reality. I’m going to write these damn essays, at least I’ll finish something in my life. If anyone needs me, I’ll be in the kitchen, destroying the coffee supply, because sleep is for losers,” Beata turned on her heels and walked briskly to the kitchen.
“God, I’m so tired of her crap,” Guiyon groaned, raising his eyes to the heavens as the door closed behind Beata. “I don’t know what to do to get it through her thick skull that she’s not responsible for everything in the world, and that there’s crap that’s going to happen no matter what she wants or doesn’t want! But no, damn it, we’re going to suffer and agonize over every unforeseen event, and spend weeks blaming ourselves for not anticipating it, what a mess, I’ll have to buy a crystal ball and stock up on coffee grounds next time to predict everything accurately.”
He leaned back on the couch, covering his face with his hands.
“Great Anuzish, give me patience, I don’t need strength, or I’ll beat her to a pulp.”
Given the nature of the profession they had chosen, death followed them everywhere – that was the truth of life. It was all the more sad to face the sudden death of new comrades in such circumstances, not related to military affairs. Whether you were a seasoned warrior or a fragile girl-musician, the cruelty of the world would not spare you. And even the valiant heroes who fought one monster after another, whom you had just gotten to know, sometimes could not protect you from the most banal madman with a knife. Even the mightiest hero cannot save everyone, that’s just how it is. Everyone makes mistakes.
Perhaps, this was one of the main reasons why Alaria had long since stopped putting anyone on a pedestal of infallibility, where even the slightest mistake would shatter the idealized image. Not even her comrades, whom she deeply respected. Not even kings and emperors, who, despite their titles, remained human. Not even the gods, for whom the price of a mistake was much higher than for any mortal. As long as you are a rational being with free will, you will make mistakes. This is an inevitable constant of the universe. Sometimes your mistakes will not lead to serious consequences. Sometimes you will be able to prevent these consequences. But not always. As long as you learn from your experience, you draw something from your failures, there is nothing wrong with that. Because only those who curl up and do nothing make no mistakes. Those who have stopped living. However, even such a broken person may have loved ones and friends who will suffer from his inaction.
However, Beata, under the influence of her emotions, had turned the extremely tragic situation into another session of self-flagellation. This was clearly more than just a consequence of grief for the deceased – the tragedy was just a trigger for another wave of self-hatred and self-loathing. It will be of no use to either herself or the families of the deceased, or to her comrades, who are actually worried about her. After turning the last idea over in her head several times, Alaria realized that she was beginning to understand the worldview of His Eminence better. She had looked even worse than Beata does now. “Woe is me, I did terrible things that harmed other people” – yes, no wonder he greeted her so coldly. It probably looked not so much funny as absurd. Enough of that. It’s just pathetic. And disrespectful to the deceased.
But there was no point in running after the circus performer to the kitchen. She wouldn’t listen now, and they all missed the warning signs. Even the professional doctor, Zlobina, who had come here, noticed it. If a person doesn’t want help now, there’s no point. Let her calm down a little, maybe she’ll channel her negativity into something more productive, and over time she’ll come to understand the simple truth that what’s done is done.
“Are you sure it’s weaker?” the knight asked, just in case, checking his attack stat. “Allow me to thank you for your kind words earlier, and immediately repay you in kind, although it will mean little to the victims and their families. There is really no one to blame, it’s just that the balance of the universe has turned against us again. It’s an extremely unpleasant story in every way, but don’t let it cloud the good intentions of your soul,” he added, addressing Beata as she left and the other speakers. “…However, this reminded me that I met too many strange people today,” a legacy of the recent attack on the natural harmony of Margel, no doubt; “and if it has already come to arson and attacks… I think I’ll go home, and check the situation outside the city. And the cake will expire in a minute, so allow me to say goodbye until tomorrow’s ceremony, gentlemen. By the way, Alaria, are you not going home? After all, we are neighbors. In any case, without me, Carneol’s combat effectiveness will decrease by only a couple of percent, so it won’t make much difference,” the knight said politely as he said goodbye.