MyDepressionList

>The entire autumn was awful; I couldn't get into remission after that green diet. Every time I felt chest pain, I became afraid of cancer, which the doctor had warned me about. >At the end of December, it finally eased up for a week or two, and some kind of emotional peace settled in. I enhanced this feeling with some good content. >I'm planning to celebrate the New Year in a more or less cheerful mood and have made some plans. >But right from the first days of January, it was awful again. I spent the whole month feeling like I was in a bad place, just killing time to get through another day. >If in my "youth" I loved the night and early morning for the feeling of peace and tranquility, in 2020 I started to hate them, and in 2021 I simply became afraid of them. At night, I either can't sleep or I struggle with panic attacks (or whatever it is; basically, when it's super cold, I shiver and feel nauseous). >The other day, I went to the doctor, this time to a different one, and I'm taking a handful of pills again. >For two days in a row, I've felt more or less okay, but I don't feel any joy about it, only fatigue. >It seems like there's a possibility to finally get out of this painful physical state, but I've started to feel that I won't be able to climb out of this moral pit. >I absolutely don't want to do anything at all. Suddenly, I've started to want a nuclear winter or something like that.