Siverfale
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— Yes, I’m afraid so, and even if I weren’t afraid for my life, who would take care of it if not me? You know, there was an old woman who lived in our neighborhood, her name was Mariam, she had a bad temper, and even now, when I remember her, I get chills. How she used to make me, as a boy, do all sorts of dirty work for a pittance, but I needed the money, so I had no choice, who else would hire a kid? And I didn’t want to tell my mother about it, she didn’t want me to overwork myself. But the old woman was strange, despite all her flaws, she sometimes showed generosity, and she didn’t abandon my mother when she was in trouble. So, what was I saying... From her, I learned about many things that my mother didn’t want to tell me, and she didn’t sugarcoat her words, she told it like it was. In short, my mother is from Nihon, and she ended up in Reim due to stupidity and cruelty. Her father was a worthless man, and when one of the Reimi offered to marry his daughter to him, he gladly agreed. My mother was obedient and always respected her family’s wishes, so she also agreed. If it had to be done, it had to be done. The Reimi man showered her father with gifts and then went back to his homeland. So, you see, the bastard traded his own flesh and blood for Reimi money... Well, what happened next? They lived together for a month, and then, when it became known that my mother was pregnant with me, the scoundrel abandoned her, without even having the promised wedding. And so, she was all alone in a foreign country, without a home and without money, and there was no way for her to go back, nor was there any reason to. Then, the old woman Mariam took her in, and after many months, she helped her give birth. And... she offered her, not once or twice, to have an abortion, saying that who would take her now, with a child and without a dowry? — At this point, Ifeon’s voice faltered slightly, it was clear that these memories were unpleasant for him and made him angry, but he still wanted to talk about it. — But my mother always refused, and not because she thought it was immoral or because she was afraid for her health, but because she already loved me, even when I wasn’t even a person yet, and... the son of a Reimi scoundrel who stole her life. And in the end, I saw the light. Life was not easy for us, besides taking care of me, my mother worked several jobs, and I saw how terribly tired she was, but she never... not even once, took it out on me and gave me the attention I deserved. As I grew up, I tried to ease her burden, I tried to become more independent, I worked for the old woman Mariam, I studied hard, but all of this was just a grain of sand compared to her efforts and the sacrifices she made for me. But no matter what, our life can be characterized as follows: she did everything for me, and I, to the best of my modest boyish abilities, did everything for her. And then the years passed, I became a healthy, strong guy, taller than her, but what do the customs of our country require of me? I must leave the family nest and watch as the light in the eyes of the most precious person to me fades away? After all, she has no one else, and even old Mariam is no longer in this world. And she is quiet, shy, meek, she wouldn’t hurt a fly, and she will silently endure any insults, only when it comes to me. Well, and then, I also have some selfish desires. They say that if a person truly loves someone, they should be able to let them go, but no matter how much I think about it, I realize that I am not only not ready for this, but I also completely disagree with this statement. Just as I want to be always with her, I also want her to be with me. I want to give her true love, the love that was stolen from her by her vile family and the scoundrel living in this city. But... Ha-ha-ha, according to generally accepted norms, — he said the last two words as if he were talking about something unimaginably disgusting, — I can’t do that because I am her son!.. For the past couple of years, thinking about this has driven me crazy, and I couldn’t understand why, why is only this path to happiness closed to me and to her? — He sighed, trying to regain control of himself. — Studying the history mentioned earlier, I noticed that customs and laws change according to the whims of people or cultural trends. And I decided that all of this is nonsense invented by some people and imposed on others. My feelings are sincere and based on boundless love and devotion to a person, and I will never be ashamed of them. The forms of love can be very different, and the state or culture not only can but also should not determine what is right and what is not.
Ifeon sighed again and leaned back. It was getting dark, and the first stars began to appear in the sky.
I’m 27 years old. And I can say that before, as I think, such views were not widespread in society. What happened to this world? Why have people stopped believing that good can be done spontaneously, unmotivatedly, simply because that’s how you are? The scariest thing is that these people themselves lose the ability to be good, permanently good, that is, not because the sun is shining brightly in the street, not because they gave a big bonus, but for no reason, just like that.
I get so much pleasure when I see a smile on a person’s face, when I bring them joy, that nothing can compare to it, not masturbation, not drugs, not sex. Although I understand that these are completely different types of pleasure, and physical pleasure, in principle, cannot replace spiritual pleasure.
I had a girlfriend, Anon. I loved her very much. And I thought she loved me too. I devoted myself to her. I dissolved in her. That is, without her, I simply didn’t exist. I did everything to make her feel good. If I felt that she was tired of me, I gave her time to miss me, I didn’t bother her with my attention. Also, most of my salary went to her. But she was cheating on me all this time, from our very first date. I found out about it by chance. Maybe I’m an idiot, but I still help her with money. And the joy on her face is real, genuine, it gives me as much pleasure as it did the first time.
Sometimes I manage to “infect” people with goodness. I have a friend, a thug, to be honest. A couple of years ago, some guys started harassing me when he was nearby. There were two of them, two of us. The odds were equal. But my friend just stood there, as if nothing was happening. I forgave him. A week later, I came to his birthday with a good gift. He tried to hide his surprise and embarrassment, but I saw it all. The next day, he came to my house and apologized. There were tears in his eyes. We still meet often, and I see that he has changed for the better. But the point is not this. Yesterday, my mother complained about the lack of sex, joy, apathy, and sadness. And casually, she asked me to f*** her and conceive a child for her. She has been dreaming about this for a long time. It sounded wild, but I thought: “What the hell? She’s my mother! She gave birth to me. Am I not capable of doing something for her too?” I somehow brushed it off yesterday. But I thought about it all night. I want to do good for my mother. But doubts are tormenting me. Give me some advice, Anon.
Where do we go?
Where do we end up when we save the world?
Where do we end up when we save the world?