Route

Well, this same damn routine is a bit tough for me too, but I'm not the kind of person who can take a risk and dive headlong into some adventure; I prefer a bird in the hand and generally hate risking things in life. But I admire people who can do it, and it's great if they succeed even partially. Otherwise, I believe that a person's fate depends primarily on themselves—yes, there are circumstances, but you can always change something for the better, even if only partially, and who knows, maybe that will be enough to make peace with life, gain a foothold at this stage, and build up strength for the next. Or simply enough to gain some self-confidence. I feel like a lot depends on the latter; I absolutely hate myself (a lazy fat piece of trash who doesn't give a damn about anyone), but sometimes I get a burst of "good" audacity and things finally start moving, and it turns out not to be nearly as scary as it seems, and it's something that can actually be handled if pushed.
Strangely enough, work is exactly what helped me to some extent. Yes, I'm far from the best employee; I periodically get chewed out by management for all my stupidity, but that makes it even more satisfying when I do something right and get praised, though honestly, material help would have been better, and even these stupid pointless reports for the sake of reporting boost my self-esteem because I handle them better than anyone else in the department. And if some tasty creative project comes along, it's an absolute mega-rush; we were making new packaging for a gingerbread cookie and I wrote a fairy tale that was tucked into the boxes (a limited edition—actually, the whole department wrote something and everyone produced "immortal classics," but my story turned out to be the longest and, according to feedback, the best); I was beyond happy. It's just a shame that 95% of the time it's scrap paper for the throne of scrap paper and reports for the god of reports.