Route

If a couple of days ago I risked dying from a diet violation and overeating, today it’s from a heart attack (I’m probably exaggerating, but I think it’s necessary to add a bit of drama to what I’m talking about)...
I don’t think it will come as news to anyone if I say that all my life I’ve had somewhat contradictory views on life and my attitude towards it.
Trying to describe this more clearly, I can imagine two halves of myself — black and white. The white one constantly wants something, experiences certain desires, and really suffers from failures and life’s inadequacy. The black one is maximally apathetic; it doesn’t want anything except to waste time in peace, with tolerable health and access to the leisure activities I enjoy.
But that’s not important now, really... What’s more important is that everyone knows about my attitude toward certain things. Today, however, a collision of universal proportions occurred on this matter — between my little world and the real world.
The rest of the story can be compared to the suffering of lovesick schoolchildren or Arandor’s bus rides... To/from my workplace, besides taking a minibus, I have to travel (almost) from one end of the line to the other, so it’s easy to imagine how exhausting such a trip can be, especially considering that my little smartphone has only two entertainment apps, but they can’t keep me occupied the whole way, nor can checking HeroesWorld. So, closer to the middle of the line, I was already in a state close to sleep — well, that’s a normal thing for long subway rides, especially when a person is tired. And then at some station, a pretty girl of Asian appearance came right up to me in the car... Well, you know, short, thin, slightly stooped, with a face as if taken from a human sculpture created by a master. And what eyes she had, such f***ing amazing eyes... So pure like the sky... Oh, wrong track and wrong situation. Well, in short, you could just drown in their beauty. It even became hard for me to breathe. But not so much from the impression, but from the conflict in my heart — the entire rest of the way I thought about only one thing: should I ask for her phone number (lol) and suggest meeting on a day convenient for her, or shouldn’t I? I even thought of the pick-up line... But that’s taboo. TABOO. It goes against my religion, my essence, my everything... Well, in short, I then followed her out and still planned to carry out my intention, but in the end I didn’t do it. And then I just got a half-minute trance from this little life episode... I can’t understand what happened — did I manage to restrain myself from this reckless act, or did I simply lack the courage...
Well, anyway, I walked around and then got on another train with some relief in my soul. AND THEN BAM, right at the entrance where I stopped (I needed to get off at the next station), there was another one — her face was less expressive, but also very beautiful (at least according to my personal criteria of beauty), gorgeous long hair, and a body that satisfied all my preferences.
I looked away and got off at the next station with mixed feelings.
And what to do now? I can’t, in my twenty-fourth year of life, give up my dream and common sense, willingly stepping onto a path full of terrible mines packed with TNT of unhappiness.